Take Me Back To The Start
by vampirediva07
Summary: April granted Jackson his divorce, but is it what they both really want?
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: I don't own Grey's, but I wish I did. Please, feel free to read and review.**

* * *

Jackson sat in the office staring at the papers in front of him, April's signature were on all the appropriate lines and just waiting for him to add his own. She had really done it, signed the divorce papers and set him free. After all of the pain, the struggling, and the fighting, she had walked away and let him have the one thing he had wanted. But as he looked at the papers, he felt a knot in the pit of his stomach and realized that this…this wasn't what he wanted. It felt like the answer to everything because there was nothing more he could do. He had tried counseling with April and they always came back to the same fight about her running away to Jordan after Samuel died. And it was as if they couldn't move past that because he resented her for going because she was who he needed to cope, but she resented him for not understanding that Jordan gave her purpose again.

But then he thought to the conversation he had with Tatiana before giving her away at her wedding. How in marriage, you would have the same fight fifty times, but you couldn't allow it to become bigger than either of you. God was he biting his words now. His and April's fight, though not petty like most, was the same fight over and over again with no resolution and no give on either side. Until now. But as he looked at those papers in his hand, he couldn't bring himself to do it and slid them back to his lawyer before getting up and leaving without a word.

"Jackson, do you have time to do a consult?" a voice asked from behind him. He turned to see Callie standing there.

"Yeah, sure," he replied. A distraction from his present feelings of guilt would be welcome at this point. "What's going on?"

Callie showed him the chart of her patient, who needed skin grafting to repair damage done from an amputation. But they wanted it done flawlessly, which was why Jackson was the man for the job. He'd learned and perfected techniques taught to him by Sloan. Work was the one thing he needed right now and he was thankful for the distraction as he looked over the chart and then went with Callie to meet the patient. During the time after Samuel's death, work was all he had as April shut him out and then left to go to Jordan, so he coped by coming to work and not leaving for days. It wasn't really coping, but it was something.

After work and a nap in the on-call room, he left and drove around aimlessly for a while the next morning before winding up at the one place he didn't think he would; the apartment that was once home for him and April. April was staying here on her own since he wasn't going to kick her out, but he didn't expect to be here after this morning. He got out and walked up to the door, knocking on it since he didn't have a key anymore. The door unlocked and the knob turned, sending his stomach into a knot but when the door opened, he was surprised.

"Arizona…what are you doing here?"

"I could ask you the same thing," she replied. "You just signed divorce papers yesterday morning, Jackson."

"I…I just wanted to talk to her. Please," he pleaded. He wanted to tell her that he didn't sign and that even though they had the same damn fight over and over again, he wanted to start over and really try to heal. To be honest with one another, even if it hurt, so they could truly heal.

"She's not here," the blonde replied. "I just came to lock up and get a few things."

"Wait…what do you mean she's not here?" he asked, panic rising in his chest. She couldn't have just left…Hunt would have told him, surely, if she'd up and quit.

"She needed some time…after yesterday morning, so she took some time off and decided to leave Seattle for a while," Arizona explained.

Jackson ran his hand over his head. He'd really screwed up this time and she'd run. April had a history of running to deal with things. And he knew the place she would probably go. Moline was the only safe place she had left, even if her family would probably be relentless about her getting a divorce since they didn't believe in it. But she wasn't divorced…not officially.

"Do you know when she'll be back?" he asked. He knew she wouldn't answer his phone calls or texts, so Arizona was literally the only link he had to his wife right now.

The blonde shook her head. "All I know is she said she was going to leave for a few weeks to clear her head. I told her to text or call me if she needed anything."

"Okay…if you hear from her, will you please tell me?" Jackson didn't know what else to do short of getting a plane to Ohio right now, but he knew she wouldn't want to see him and neither would her family. In fact, he was sure her father might shoot him on sight.

"Jackson, do you think that's a good idea?"

"Just…tell me she's okay, alright?" He didn't have time to argue with Arizona about the politics of his marriage. He just wanted to know that April was okay and that someone was taking care of her.

"Okay, but I won't say anymore."

With that, Jackson left the apartment and returned to his car. He pulled out his cell phone and debated calling April for a moment, but decided that it wasn't the best idea given the circumstances. Instead, he put the car in drive and went back to the new apartment he had rented to stay in, hoping April would decide to come home and they could begin again.

* * *

April sat in her childhood room, looking at the walls. Her posters had been taken down and a few things had changed, but otherwise it was very much the same room where she had grown up. After dropping the bomb on Arizona last night that she was pregnant, she decided that she needed to get away for a little while until she felt she was able to face Jackson post-divorce and now that she was pregnant with their second child. And home, in Ohio, was the only place she could think of where she would be safe and able to hide for a little while.

She had sat in that room with the lawyers, on the verge of tears, as she looked at her husband and asked him if he really wanted the divorce. An hour earlier, she had been in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test. She had debated telling him, but she knew it would have stopped him from doing the thing he wanted to do. And she didn't want him to stay with her out of obligation to their child. That was no reason to stay in a marriage because babies didn't fix relationships that were already broken. In fact, they sometimes tore it apart even further. Samuel's death had ripped them apart because she had been selfish in her coping and not realized how desperately Jackson had needed her. So she had to do the hardest thing in the world…and allow him to have what he wanted, even though she truly didn't want to divorce the only man in the world she loved as much as she loved Jackson.

"April?" There was a soft knock at the door before it opened to reveal her dad.

"I didn't think anyone was home yet," she said, looking at him.

"Your mother is working, but I just got back from the supply store…you didn't tell us you were coming into town," Joe said, coming over and sitting on the bed beside her. "Is something wrong?"

For a moment, she held her composure. But her dad…was her dad and he was someone who listened. "Dad…Jackson and I…are over."

"What happened…did he cheat on you?" Her father seemed offended immediately and like most fathers would, put the blame immediately on the other party.

"No…Jackson wouldn't ever do that," she said, biting her lip as more tears welled up in her eyes. Jackson might not have shared her faith, but he was a faithful husband and they had loved each other. "After we lost our son, everything just fell apart. I shut him out and when I went to Jordan…I abandoned him to grieve alone for Samuel."

The words coming out were harsh and depreciating of herself and her actions, but they were very true. She had abandoned Jackson to deal with his grief while she went overseas to deal with her own instead of leaning on each other like they should have. Hindsight was twenty-twenty and now that she had taken steps back to see the damage that was done, she realized how hard she had been on Jackson when trying to make him see her point of view instead of seeing his too.

"Honey, you and Jackson went through a terrible thing…something no parents should ever go through," her father said, looking at her sympathetically. "Everyone grieves in their own way and sometimes…we get lost in that grief and forget that we aren't the only ones grieving."

"When Samuel died…I died too," she admitted, wiping her tears. "And I didn't realize that Jackson did too…he hid his pain because he wanted to put me first. I didn't put him first like I should have and no one took care of him…I should have been there…I should have…"

"There are times in a marriage when things are tested in the most difficult way," her father began to say.

She shook her head and looked at him as the tears rolled down her cheeks. "I tried…I wanted to mend it, Dad. We went to counseling and it just didn't work. Everything always kept coming back to the same fight about me going to Jordan. And then he finally told me that when I left, he was dying…he never told me that before."

"And what happened from there?" Her father, while strong in his own beliefs, had always been a good listener and willing to see another's point.

"I knew that the only way to allow him to heal was to give him what he wanted…to set him free," she quietly admitted. "I couldn't keep making him stay because I wanted him to. I couldn't keep hurting him, Daddy. As much as it kills me, I love Jackson and he deserves to find his own peace."

Joe nodded and kissed her forehead. "I understand the pain you're going through right now isn't easy, but you're welcome to stay here as long as you need."

"Thank you, Daddy," she said softly.

April still hadn't told anyone, aside from Arizona, that she was pregnant with her second child. That was a secret she intended to hold onto for a little while longer while she tried to sort through all the emotions swirling inside of her. She was joyful that she was getting a second chance to be a mom, but fearful at the same time because of her experiences with Samuel. Her heart told her that this baby was a blessing, but her head was telling her that it was going to make things worse when Jackson found out. But she wouldn't keep him from their baby and had committed herself to keeping things good between them for their child's sake. At least that's what she hoped. For now, she was going to take time to lick her wounds and heal here in Moline.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Thank you all SO much for the positive feedback. Here is the next chapter for your enjoyment!**

* * *

Two weeks had come and gone since April had left Seattle to go back to Moline for a little while. In those two weeks, she had done a lot of work around the farm with her dad, spent time with her mom helping out at the school where she worked, and devoted more time to her faith to pray and look for guidance in this situation. She had taken a leave of absence from work and Owen had understood that she needed time to process her divorce, having gone through one himself, and told her to come back when she was ready. But she didn't know if she would ever be ready to go back and face the one person in the world that she loved more than anything, especially knowing that she still loved him and never wanted to end their marriage in the first place.

She was now nine weeks pregnant and her nausea had begun to subside a lot more, meaning she felt great and things were improving. From what she could tell, everything was going well and normal. Then again, only an ultrasound would really tell what was going on inside of her uterus where the baby was. Her doctor's appointment was next week in Seattle for her first ultrasound and she didn't know if she was ready for it yet. The last ultrasound she'd had was with Samuel, finding out that he had Osteogenesis Imperfecta, so it was traumatic to say the least.

Today was a Saturday, so a kind of down day in the Kepner household as they took time to relax and get other things done that weren't related to the farm, like shopping and crafts that her mother loved to do. April was in her bedroom, reading her _What To Expect When Expecting_ book. She had only read about half of it the last time, so she was hoping and praying this time would be better.

"April, I'm going into town for some groceries, do you want to come with me?" her mother asked, knocking on the door.

April jumped and hid the book under her pillow. "Uh yeah, let me find my shoes and I'll be right down!"

When her mother had gone down the hall, she picked up the book again and put it away in her suitcase. Finding her shoes, she slid them on and then came out of her bedroom and down the stairs to the living room where her mother had already gathered up their purses and was waiting to go.

"I was thinking I would get the ingredients to do the taco soup you love so much," her mother told her as they went out the door.

"Oh Mom, you don't have to go to all that trouble," she replied, smiling at her mom.

"But I love doing it…you're my daughter and I don't get to see you often enough, so I have to spoil you when I can," Karen insisted as she unlocked the car and got in.

Despite the tension in their previous meetings when she was pregnant with Samuel and trying to make decisions as his mother, she knew that her own mother loved her and meant well. No one could make heads or tails of a situation like she and Jackson had been given, so they had done what was right by their son and given him as painless an entrance into the world as possible before holding him, loving him, and letting him go peacefully.

"Mom?" she asked as they drove toward town. "How…do I move forward? What do I do from here?"

"I know it seems like an impossible task to keep living life after a lot of drastic changes like the loss of a child and the end of a marriage, but sometimes the best thing to do is to keep on going…keep on living and doing the daily things, like getting up, going to work, and coming home to make dinner."

April nodded. "A huge piece of me still loves Jackson…I suppose I always will."

"You don't forget the ones you love. You just have to find a way to make peace with what has happened and move forward with your life."

"I just…am afraid of going back and facing him for the first time since we signed the papers," she quietly admitted.

"It's okay to feel fear and apprehension," her mom reassured her. "You're human and all of those feelings are normal. Just like it is normal to love and grieve and be angry with a situation you cannot control."

Even in the darkest storms, April always found comfort at home in Moline. After failing her boards, losing her job, and the plane crash, she had come here for solace. Her parents, as conservative as they were, loved April and tried to see things from her perspective more now that she had gone through some pretty horrific things herself and help her through those times. She had come clean to them about being held at gunpoint and they knew she had failed her boards and was fired. Everything else kind of came in waves as she told them about Jackson almost dying saving a patient. They understood her job was stressful and that she had been through a lot in the last year since losing Samuel.

They drove along in silence a little while longer before arriving in town and going to the grocery store, grabbing a few things that they needed. While her mother was getting a few personal items, April excused herself for a few minutes and went to the pharmacy to pick up some prenatal vitamins. She quietly purchased them and hid them in her purse before returning to her mother. They checked out and returned to the car, loading everything up before heading back toward the farm.

"April, you have to tell Jackson sometime…" her mother said as they were about halfway home.

"Tell him what?" she asked, nervous for what could come next.

"I see all the signs…you're nauseated, you have been avoiding any wine at home, and I saw the prenatal vitamins…"

April was quiet for a few minutes and looked down at her hands. "I found out the morning I signed the papers. I couldn't tell him…not when he wanted to be free so badly and a baby would just make him stay out of obligation and not love. I am going to tell him…I just wasn't ready yet."

"I can understand that. Jackson is a good man and he will be there for the baby. But I have faith that there is more planned than either of you know."

"Mama, I just don't know what to believe anymore," she admitted dejectedly. "But I would never keep him from our child."

"Everything has a way of working out exactly how it's supposed to. Just wait and see, sweetheart, just wait and see."

April didn't know if things could ever be more than civil between her and Jackson now that they were divorced, but she was determined to keep it that way for the sake of their baby. For the first time in a year, she was happy about something. Samuel's death had taken a toll on her and then Jordan, her marriage, and finally the divorce. This baby was the first glimmer of light she'd had since finding out her unborn son had a fatal disease and she was holding onto that like hell.

* * *

In Seattle, Jackson had spent the last two weeks throwing himself into working around the clock at the hospital. He had taken double shifts and was trying all he could to distract himself from the fact that April still had not come back from Moline. More than once, he had typed out a text message to her and then deleted it when he realized she deserved more than that. A phone call wasn't it either, so he waited and thought about how everything had gone down in the last year, regretting not spending more time trying to fix his marriage. He had always accused April of being the one to run away, but even Sloan had pointed out that when things got hard, Jackson tended to bail out. And he had bailed on April after only four weeks of counseling.

"Heard anything from Kepner?" Alex asked as he came to the desk to drop off a chart.

Jackson shook his head. "She's still in Ohio as far as I know. Robbins knows more than me, but won't say a damn word other than she's doing okay."

"Sucks man," Alex replied. "If you wanna come by and grab something to eat, Jo is making some pasta."

"Thanks, I might do that once I wrap up here." Karev had been a lot nicer to him the last two weeks than usual, but he figured since Izzie had abandoned him a few years back, he knew how Jackson felt at this point. Not knowing what the future would hold.

When Alex was gone, Jackson signed off on the chart he had been working on and checked his phone for any messages. He hadn't expected any, but was still disappointed when he didn't see a single one from April. Then again, why would she text him since they had just signed papers to end their marriage? His phone background made him pause. The last two weeks, he hadn't really paid much attention, but he realized that it was a photo of him and April that she'd taken with his phone. It was from a little over a year ago, before they found out about Samuel's condition. She had caught him talking to her belly and took a picture with his phone before setting it as his background. Seeing it now made him pause.

"Avery," a voice said behind him, causing him to quickly put his phone away in his pocket and turn.

"Shepherd," he greeted. Amelia Shepherd had taken some getting used to after the death of her older brother, but he didn't mind her so much now and actually thought she was pretty nice.

"I have a case I might need a consult on. You game?"

"Yeah, what's the case?" Anything to take his mind off of her was good in his book.

"I had a guy come in with severe trauma to the head…a piece of machinery fell on him while he was working on an oil rig," she explained as she showed Jackson the chart. "I've stabilized him and he will recover, but he has a huge piece of his skull and scalp missing. I need someone to help me reconstruct that and graft the skin so that it looks natural."

"I'm your guy. I've done skin grafts for burn victims and reconstructed many faces and skulls," he said.

"Good, the patient is stable for the time being but I want to monitor him over the next forty-eight hours to see if his brain is going to swell or remain stable," she went on.

Jackson nodded. "I'll draw up plans and look at the X-Rays for reference on the structure before I actually meet the patient."

"Thank you, Avery," she said. "How are you doing?"

"Um…okay?" He didn't realize so many people knew his personal life in this hospital, but then again he knew he shouldn't be surprised with the way gossip spread.

"Sorry, I just know how gossip goes around here and personal stuff can be tough," Amelia shrugged. He was thankful that she didn't seem to be offended that he didn't open up.

"I just worry about her," he replied. "She's been gone two weeks and I've heard nothing."

"Well she signed the papers and ran…it's what us runners do." Amelia put the chart down. "She'll come back…April is the kind of person that is committed to what she loves doing. Her life is here at this hospital."

He hoped that Amelia was right because he knew that April had run from him a lot in the past, but this time was different because he had walked away from her through the divorce and she took off to deal with it. When Amelia left, he pulled out his phone again. On impulse and just because he wanted to hear her voice, he dialed her number. It went to voicemail and beeped.

"Hey…I uh, look I know I'm probably the last person you want to hear from right now and I respect that. I just wanted to call and see if you were okay. You don't have to call me back…I just wanted you to know that I was worried about you. I…I am sorry, April. So sorry. Bye."

Sighing, Jackson put his phone in his pocket and went back to work.


	3. Chapter 3

April sat in the hospital exam room, looking down at the sonogram photo in her hands. She had done this once before, right at the beginning with Samuel. Back then she had been filled with so much hope and happiness about the new life starting inside of her, before everything went to hell and her baby boy died in her arms. Now, here she was again, looking at the first images of her unborn child. Tears came to her eyes as she saw the heartrate in the corner and knew that he or she was alive and well. Everything was as it should be with her pregnancy, she was healthy, and the baby was absolutely perfect from what her obstetrician said.

Almost three weeks in Moline had done a lot of good for her as she was able to process, accept, and push on past her divorce. The real test would be seeing Jackson for the first time since signing the papers. And then telling him that even though they were divorced, they would share a child together because their contraception failed or they forgot to use anything one time. She didn't know how he would react, but he had a right to know and she wasn't going to keep it from him much longer.

"Everything looks great April," Dr. Cassidy said as she cleaned up. "Your baby looks perfect and you look great, so keep up the good work and we'll see you in a month."

"Thank you, Dr. Cassidy," she said, smiling as she got down and slid the ultrasound into her purse before making her next appointment.

Walking out, she made her way to the attending's lounge to drop off her purse and put on her lab coat. She hung up everything in her locker and pulled her coat on before putting her pager and cell phone in her pocket. It felt good to be back at work where things were normal and she knew what she was doing.

"Hey April, how you holding up?" a voice asked from behind her. She turned to see Arizona coming in.

"Some days it's easier and others, it really sucks," she replied honestly. "But it's getting better. I haven't seen him yet and that's the real test."

"I get that…seeing Callie after…kind of a sucker punch to the gut," her friend said, coming over to put something in her own locker. "How is…everything else?"

"The baby is great…perfect, even," April smiled, feeling happy as she talked about her unborn child. So far, everything was normal according to her doctor and even though she was worried, she had no reason to worry as of yet.

"Well your secret is safe with me, but I still think you need to tell him. Jackson deserves to know," Arizona encouraged.

April nodded and sighed deeply. "I know…I'm just not ready to tell him yet. I'm not even really ready to even face him. This is the happiest I've been in a year and I just don't want to step outside of that bubble yet."

Since Samuel's loss, April had felt like she was in this dark pit of misery and death. Jordan had lifted some of that pain and anguish by giving her a direction and some purpose again, but it still didn't erase the aching she felt when she saw a mother holding their child. For a while, she dreamed about Samuel and how she and Jackson would have raised him if he'd made it. He would have been so handsome, like his father, and been into just about everything in their house because he was mischievous and fun. And God did it make her ache and cry when she woke to find her arms empty. And then the pain of losing her marriage on top of that was enough to push anyone to that edge.

"Don't wait too long…or he'll find out from someone else…the gossip here is never safe, even though my lips are sealed," the blonde warned as she left the room.

"I won't," she replied, taking a deep breath before going out into the hallway for her first official day back at work.

She walked down to the trauma center, finding it was pretty slow with just a few cases of burned hands and a couple stitches from some kitchen accidents. The residents were handling it well, so she went to the desk to look up some of her post-op patients that she knew would still be in the hospital recovering from major surgeries. There were three that she made a note to do a round on and visit, so she wrote down their room numbers and names before closing out the computer and looking up. And there he was.

"Hey…" Jackson almost seemed hesitant to talk to her, like he was stepping on eggshells and waiting for her to explode.

"Hi," she replied, looking him in the eyes for the first time in three weeks.

He had a shadow growing in where she last remembered a fuller beard, so she knew that he had shaved since the divorce paper signing and then decided to let that go. That was usually when he was working double shifts or on a particularly taxing case. And his eyes were a more piercing green today, like when he was focused and contemplative. She knew all of Jackson's moods when she was clear and level-headed, but she had been so clouded during her grief that she didn't see his own. And that had torn them apart in the end.

"I uh…I didn't know you were back," he said, clearing his throat.

"I got in late last night…told Hunt I was coming back to work today," she said.

"Are you staying at the apartment?" he asked, putting his chart down on the nurses' station.

She shook her head. "I decided to rent an apartment of my own…so you can…move back home or put it up for rent…"

The apartment had been their home and now it held too many painful memories for her to live there any longer. It was where she and Jackson had moved to when they were married and happy, where many of their fundamental arguments had happened before they turned to understanding and compassion, where they had made love and conceived their son, and where they had planned to bring home their son to when he was born. Now it just seemed…empty and hollow, like no happiness had ever happened there because of all of the 'what ifs' that would never happen now.

"I'll get the keys from the manager," he replied, tapping the counter for a moment before looking at her. "How…how are you doing?"

"Um, okay." It was an odd question to ask the woman you just divorced how she was doing, in April's opinion, especially when you knew that she didn't want to go through with it in the first place. "How are you?"

"I'm doing okay," he replied, pursing his lips. She knew that look. That was a typical Jackson trying to hide his feelings look, but she wasn't going to push it.

Instead, she nodded and picked up her iPad. "I have a few patients I need to go check on that are still here from before my time off. I'll uh…see you around?"

He nodded and they parted ways. April went to visit her patients, finding that they were all doing very well and on their way to returning home in the next week or two. She was thankful for good news today since she felt like seeing Jackson was not the way she wanted to start her first day back. But that first awkward meeting was over and done with, which she was thankful for. After her rounds, she made her way back to the trauma center and began to train with some of the first years on basic trauma protocol, which they were now teaching earlier in case of emergency situations, such as the super storm or an active shooter. Both events April had lived through.

"It's good to see you back, Kepner," Hunt said as he came in.

"It's good to be back, sir," she replied, smiling at him. Owen Hunt was not only her mentor, but her friend and she deeply respected him for all the things he had taught her over the years. And she was thankful he understood her need to grieve and walk away from Seattle for a little while following her divorce.

"How is the trauma training coming along today?"

"It's good…the first years are a little slow to catch on, but I think once their confidence builds they'll be ready," she said. "No field tests for a while though…we don't need any more accidents out there."

"I agree. Keep at it and let me know when they're ready for a field test," Hunt instructed. "You're a good teacher, Kepner. They have a lot to learn from you."

She smiled proudly and got back to work with the first years. Most of them were catching on to triaging patients in the field by need and necessity. In a field situation, you only had so much in supplies and some patients were higher need than others depending on their injuries and the likelihood that they would make it to a hospital without substantial medical attention first. April had to make some tough calls out in the field in Jordan, but it had been worth it to see the soldiers that did recover go back to a normal life after their injuries.

"Alright guys, that's enough for today. Return to your assigned residents for the day," she told the group of interns as she snapped off her gloves.

When they were gone, April cleaned up some and then went to the attending's lounge to get something to eat. She sat down with her lunch and began reading a few medical journals that she'd been meaning to catch up on. The rest of her day went smoothly as they had one massive trauma come in that side swept her into surgery until well after seven. She scrubbed out when the patient was stable, the surgery was done, and he was in ICU before heading back to the apartment to pick up a few things she had left behind. Unlocking the door, she came in and saw Jackson standing in the middle of the living room.

"I'm sorry…I can come back another time," she said, turning to go.

"No, you…you don't have to go," he said, moving toward her slightly. "I just came to get a few things."

"Me too," she said, turning around to look at him. "I uh…I left some clothes and a few books that I wanted to move over."

Nodding, Jackson stepped aside as April came into the apartment and she took a deep breath as she stood there and looked around. It was so different standing here post-divorce with Jackson. This was once their home and she had loved coming home to the man she loved. Now it seemed…cold and uncomfortable.

"Jackson…I got your voicemail while I was in Moline," she said softly, not turning to look at him in fear of crying. "I just couldn't...I couldn't talk to you. I was hurt and that's why I left, to deal with it and learn to face this whole thing alone. I needed that time to myself so I could cope."

"I just wanted to make sure you were okay…despite everything, I still care about you," he said. "That didn't shut off that day and it never will."

April nodded and wiped a tear as she kept her back to him. "Thank you…for being concerned."

Biting her lip, she made her way into the bedroom and slipped the last of her clothing out of the drawers and put them in a bag. She had a few medical books that she was taking with her and some books she had bought, intending to read them on maternity leave. After those were packed, she padded softly into the room next to the master bedroom. All of the furniture was gone from the nursery, except for the rocking chair. It sat in the middle of the room, untouched and gathering dust with a stuffed puppy sitting on it. Jackson had bought the puppy for Samuel. She had sat in that chair for days after Samuel died, wondering what she had done wrong to deserve to lose her baby.

She stepped forward and brushed her hand over the head of the stuffed dog. It had been her only comfort when Samuel died. It was something to hold onto when she should have held onto Jackson. She remembered sitting in the chair, clutching the stuffed dog as she cried and begged God to give her an answer as to why her son had to suffer. No answers ever came and she was still trying to figure out why. Picking up the dog, she slipped it into her bag and came out to the living room. Jackson was sitting at the kitchen island.

"I'm sorry…about the throw pillows," she apologized meekly. "I know you hated them."

"I knew you only got them to tease me…you always did stuff like that," he replied.

She gave a faint smile and then looked down. "I have something to tell you…"


	4. Chapter 4

As she looked at her former husband, April knew that it was now or never. She had to tell him the truth about their unborn child and then take things from there, however they turned or developed between them. Jackson needed to know about this baby so he could decide what he wanted to do in regards to being involved in his or her life and in the pregnancy. April didn't expect anything during the pregnancy since they were no longer married and he had no obligation to take care of her, though her mother thought otherwise and said Jackson would be there.

"What's going on?" he asked, looking down at her.

"I…" She froze and found it difficult to speak, fear gripping her as she realized that he could very well be angry too. When he was angry, he became impossible to talk to because he wasn't rational, just as she wasn't either. It was one of the faults of their relationship because they often spoke before thinking things through and said some hurtful things.

"April, is everything alright?" He looked concerned, like he once did when he tried to take care of her after Samuel died.

"I'm pregnant," she finally blurted out, biting her lip afterward in anticipation of his reaction, bracing herself for whatever was going to come.

"You're…you're what?" There was shock mixed with confusion on Jackson's face, like he didn't think that was possible.

But it was very possible given the number of times they'd had sex during the period when they were trying to fix their marriage, including after the massive fight they had when he even brought up the topic of divorce while they were having dinner together. Sex was never the problem for them, but it wasn't the right solution to everything either like they made it out to be. But it had given her another chance to become a mother after the devastating loss of their son. Now wasn't the right time to have a baby when her marriage had fallen apart, but it was right for her since she had healed more from the loss of their son.

"I'm pregnant," she repeated, finally looking him in the eyes.

"Wait a minute…how far along are you?"

His question insulted her almost immediately, like he was asking to make sure he could even be the father. April had never once been unfaithful to Jackson, even in times that they weren't getting along or speaking to one another. She loved him with all of her heart, even if he had broken it when he served her divorce papers in the middle of their workplace.

"Ten weeks." She pulled out the ultrasound photo from this morning and showed it to him.

"How long have you known?" He took the photo and looked at it, his face difficult to read as he seemed to be hiding his feelings.

"Three weeks…I took the test the morning we signed papers," she admitted.

Jackson looked up from the picture. "So you've been keeping this from me for three weeks? You didn't say anything the morning you signed the papers."

"I asked you if it was what you really wanted…you didn't stop me from signing," she shot back, holding back her tears. "I didn't tell you because I wanted to see if you wanted to stay in our marriage for me…not to trap you because you felt like you were obligated to stay because of our baby."

"I had a right to know!" he said, raising his voice. "You only think about yourself, April, over and over again!"

"I was thinking of _you_! I gave you what you wanted and signed the damn papers, Jackson…do you think I wanted to walk away from my marriage when I still loved you? You wanted out and I signed the damn papers because you wanted to end it…how dare you say I'm selfish for doing that."

"But you didn't tell me there was a baby. I might have…"

"You might have what, Jackson…stayed with me because of the baby? How the hell does that make anyone happy?"

April was on the verge of tears now, regretting telling him anything because of how hurt she was now. This baby was the only good thing that had come since Samuel's death and now all she felt was guilt, shame, and pain. She hadn't kept this pregnancy from Jackson out of spite, but simply because she didn't know how to tell him or how to deal with this situation now that they were no longer married. She had done what she thought was the right thing and allowed Jackson to have his freedom while she carried the burden of her own broken heart and licked her wounds in Moline.

"Now you know," she said, pushing past him as she left her keys on the counter and walked out the door with her bag. When she made it down to the car, she got in and started to cry. She had held it together long enough and needed to let go of some of the emotions she'd been pushing down for so long.

* * *

Jackson stood in the middle of the living room, holding the photo of the sonogram in his hands, stunned. He was going to be a father again, but not in the way that he had hoped. After all the pain, anger, anguish, and grief he had experienced in Samuel's loss, he and April were having another child and she hated him. Even though he was angry that she hadn't told him, what she said had been right. From her perspective, him choosing to not sign the papers when she told him about the pregnancy would have been choosing to stay because of the baby and not her. But she didn't know that the papers were still unsigned and he didn't want to sign them.

He went to the bedroom to get the things he came for and saw something on the floor that caught his eye. A photo album that April must have missed when she had packed her things up and left. Picking it up, he saw the cover and felt his heart drop. It was the album April bought after finding out she was pregnant with Samuel. He flipped it open and saw the first sonogram of their son with April's handwriting underneath.

 _Our baby's first picture! Littlest Avery is 10 weeks along and perfect. I'm craving peaches and lots of salty foods, so I think we might be having a boy!_

Their first ultrasound had been amazing, even if they had been uneasy and unprepared. But they were happy after seeing their firstborn child on the screen, hearing the heart beating. They had no idea the pain, heartbreak, and agony that they were in store for just fourteen weeks later. Jackson turned the page and saw April's first baby bump picture, taken around thirteen weeks. She looked so tiny, but beautiful carrying their son. He had taken that picture himself and remembered her putting it into the book. The next pages were filled with photos of his and her baby photos so their son could have seen what they looked like as babies too. More photos of April's developing bump followed, but his favorite one had been of the two of them together when she was nineteen weeks pregnant. It was a date night for them and he had someone take a photo of the two of them together. Then followed the photos of them together, as a family, for the first and only time after Samuel's birth when he was baptized and they held him. His mother had taken the photos and April had added them when she felt ready to. Jackson flipped another page and saw April's handwriting again, dated on the one year anniversary of their son's birth and death.

 _Dear Samuel,_

 _Today would have been your first birthday. I would have woken you up with kisses and hugs before bringing you to see your Daddy, who probably would have still been snoring in bed. He isn't much of a morning person, you see. We would have made you breakfast and given you your favorite foods. And your Grandma would have come all the way from Boston to spoil you at your birthday party. Nana and Papa would have come all the way from Ohio too. There is so much I wanted to do and show you, Sammy. I wanted you to have the world and live in it, to see the animals in the zoo, and to travel with me and Daddy. But I know that you are safe in Heaven, even if I would rather you be here in my arms. I have spent the last year wondering why God would give me such a special little boy and take him from me. The only answer I have even thought of was to test my faith and give me a cause to fight for. Since you left us, I have been putting some money into a research fund for your condition in your honor so that one day, there might be a cure and other mommies and daddies don't have to lose their children the way we lost you. I love you, baby boy, and I hope to see you again one day. Happy Birthday._

 _Love Always,_

 _Mom_

Seeing the letter brought a tear to Jackson's eye. They had both grieved for the son that they had wanted, but their grief had torn them apart because they did not grieve together. He had hidden his pain from her so he could focus on protecting and caring for her, but that had done no good when she left and went to Jordan. If he had been honest in showing his pain, things might have ended differently.

Taking the album, he put it in his bag and packed a few things before going to what had once been the nursery. The puppy was gone and he knew April had taken it with her. He went to the shelf and took down the photo of himself and April, tucking it away in the bag before grabbing the little basketball he had put up there, intending to share his love of sports with his son, putting it in the bag as well. He locked up the apartment and left, turning in the key to the manager before heading to his car. He drove for a time until he reached his destination, the cemetery closest to Grey-Sloan.

"Hey buddy…" he said, approaching the headstone. "I know it's been a while since I've been here…but I'm here now."

He stood in front of Samuel's headstone, which had been put in place thanks to his mother. Catherine had arranged everything so that he and April could grieve in private and he was thankful for that since neither of them could have done it. Since the funeral, Jackson had only been out here two or three times, mostly for his own sake to talk to his son and grieve while April was overseas.

"I saw your Mom today…she told me that you're going to be a big brother," he said, kneeling down and touching the headstone. He normally didn't do things like this, but he needed to get some things out. "Kind of took me by surprise since she didn't tell me for a few weeks, but I guess…I can't blame her since she was trying to give me what I asked from her and knowing about it…well, I get why she did it. We both still miss you, you know. And if you can hear me, I want you to know that I won't let you down."

While Jackson didn't believe in God and the afterlife the way that April did, it did give him some peace of mind knowing his son wasn't just…gone. To believe what April did meant that their son was somewhere safe and being looked after. Maybe he could believe in a little of April's faith for his son. And now he knew that he had an uphill battle to fight if he ever wanted a chance to have his wife fall in love with him again.


	5. Chapter 5

"April, we got incoming," Hunt's voice said as April jerked up from her reading.

"On it, what's coming in?" she asked as she put down her chart and reached for a pair of gloves.

"There was a three car pileup off the freeway with multiple injuries and some critical condition patients. Someone lost control getting off an access road and it's a mess," he explained as they walked toward the ambulance bay to wait.

April nodded and gowned up to wait, knowing that the coming storm of traumas would put the storms of her mind at ease for the time being. She had told Jackson a few days ago about the baby and hadn't heard from him since, so she assumed that he was going to keep his distance from her. And frankly, she was okay with that since their encounter hadn't been the best one. It was calmer than past arguments, but she was done fighting and done arguing because she needed to remain calm and as healthy as possible for her unborn child.

"You seem distracted today, Kepner…something wrong?" Owen asked as they stood waiting.

"Just a lot on my mind…still getting used to the divorce thing," she replied, keeping the information to a minimum for now.

"That takes time…it isn't easy at first, but it does get easier," he assured her. Owen had been through divorce before and she knew that he was a mess when Cristina left.

"I hope so…thanks," she replied.

The ambulance arrived and April brought in the first patient, immediately beginning her assessment and going into her zone. When she was working, it was like time passed so quickly that she didn't realize it. Her focus was her patient and not her own problems, which helped a lot when she was trying to forget what was going on in her own life right now. April quickly was able to assess her patient and brought him up to surgery immediately to stop a huge amount of bleeding in his abdomen. It took hours, but April was calm and focused as she operated and barked orders to the residents and interns, making sure they understood the seriousness of the surgery they were performing to save this man's life. Everyone in the room respected her though and understood her methods.

After the surgery, April stood in the operating room with her hands on the gurney. Everything was being cleaned off and sterilized, but she remained. She had saved a life today and it felt good, but her troubles were now weighing on her mind again.

"Kepner, you doing alright?"

April turned to see Owen coming in the room, seemingly concerned for her.

"Yeah, I uh…sometimes I need a minute after big surgeries like that," she said. "They get intense and stuff."

He nodded. "I get it…but this is more than that."

Owen was her mentor and her friend, which meant he knew her better than a lot of people. And he was good at reading people, which was a talent he picked up in the military from his explanations. So she knew that she couldn't lie to him anymore. However, tears came to her eyes as she looked at him.

"I…I'm pregnant, Owen. I'm having a baby with the man I signed divorce papers with almost a month ago," she said, biting her lip as she tried to hold her tears back. "I told Jackson and he…well, he reacted like he always does. And I'm screwing everything up because I didn't tell him the morning I found out because it would have held him back from signing the papers and made everyone miserable. But he's mad at me for not telling him and I just…I'm so lost."

"April, you haven't screwed anything up…you're having a baby. That is a miracle and something to be excited about," her mentor explained. "It might not be the circumstances you hoped for or the right time, but this is not a bad thing."

Owen hugged her and she hugged him back, tightly. He was one of the truest friends she'd ever had and understood her in her insecurities. During her residency, he had taken her under his wing and showed her a whole other side to herself that she never knew existed until she was introduced to trauma and how exciting, fast paced, and complicated it could be. And he had given her the motivation to be great at it.

"I'm just…after Samuel, I'm scared and praying so hard that this baby…that everything will be okay," she rambled.

"You have overcome a lot, April. And your strength is what has seen you through it. Your baby is lucky to have you as their mother."

April knew that hearing those words of affirmation, confirming that she was doing alright, made all the difference for her as she stood back and smiled a little through her tears. She was trying to make the right decisions for her child, but it wasn't easy given the history she had with losing her first child so devastatingly. There was about a two percent chance of her second child developing Osteogenesis Imperfecta, but the risk was minimal and she had talked with her physician about it at length when she found out that she was pregnant. They would monitor her ultrasounds, but no invasive testing would be done at the risk of miscarriage, which April didn't want.

"Thank you, Owen…you're a really good friend and I'm glad to have you around," she said sincerely.

Smiling, she left the operating room and went to scrub out before returning to her charts. She had to catch up on some documentation, but otherwise she was done for the day and ready to go home, put her feet up, and relax. Today was a good, but exhausting day, and she knew that she was going to have even more exhausting ones ahead as she navigated this pregnancy mostly alone and then had to work out a custody agreement with her ex-husband. But that was another worry for another day.

* * *

On the opposite side of the floor, Jackson stood in front of a nurses' station and looked over at his wife. April was concentrating on her charts and had the same look on her face that she always got when she was focused and intense. It was a look he admired and had come to love in the time he'd known April. As frustrated as he was at their lack of communication right now, he understood that she was hurting. She hadn't asked for the divorce, so in her eyes…he didn't deserve to be near her right now and he could agree to that while he sorted out his own emotional rifts.

"Dude, you stare any harder and you're going to turn her to stone like Medusa or something," Karev said, plopping down a chart next to Jackson, causing him to jerk.

"I wasn't staring," he defended quickly, looking down at his chart.

"I know it when I see it. You still got it bad for Kepner." Alex shrugged and picked up another chart.

"She signed the papers."

"But you didn't." Karev looked over at him smugly. "You're gonna have to tell her sooner or later or sign the papers."

"How did you know that?" Jackson hadn't told anyone about not signing the papers, sans his lawyer.

"It's written all over your face that you are still married to her…single men don't look at their ex-wives like that, trust me. Don't be an idiot and let her find out from someone else."

"Uh thanks," he said, glaring at Alex for a moment before going about his business.

Sometimes it made him so peeved that Alex was right. But Alex wasn't a complete asshole that he had been a few years ago, so he could respect that. And he was right…Jackson couldn't let April find out from someone else that he hadn't signed the papers. Somehow Alex had known, so other people might know as well. He wanted to tell her because he loved her and because he had a realization sitting in that room watching her sign the papers that it wasn't what he wanted. Seeing her put him first had slapped him in the face, hard, because she put aside her beliefs and gave him the exact thing he asked for.

"Baby Boy," a voice called from behind him, causing him to stop in his tracks and turn.

"Mom…what are you doing here?" he asked, honestly surprised to see his mother.

She looked at him with a dull stare, like he shouldn't have even asked that question. "You know why I'm here."

Jackson sighed and went into one of the conference rooms to have this conversation in private with his mother. He knew that she was about to let loose on him and he wasn't going to have that go public with all the other drama that had happened around here lately. But he also respected his mother and would listen to what she had to say because she was his mother and sometimes, even though he hated to admit it, she was a lot wiser than him.

"Are you going to tell me why you made my daughter-in-law sign divorce papers and then not sign them yourself?" she asked, crossing her arms.

"Mom, my marriage is none of your business…it's complicated enough as it is," he replied, knowing that the meddling would make matters worse.

"Jackson, I raised you better than that…what is going on?" Catherine raised her eyebrow at him and he knew that she expected an answer.

"Things just…fell apart after Samuel died. April left and went to Jordan and I…I just lost it, okay," he said, exasperated that all this was being rehashed for the thousandth time. "You saw me in the ER with a cut on my arm and face from when I took down his nursery."

"I remember…but I thought you and April were trying to work things out in counseling?"

"I quit…it wasn't working with the same fight being brought up over and over again with no give on either side."

"So you decided that divorce was the best option because you saw no other way out and then decided after she already signed the papers that you regretted that decision?" God he hated when his mother knew him better than he knew himself sometimes.

"Alright…alright, yes I regret it…I realized that the moment she signed her name on the dotted line and bolted out of the room," he admitted. "But it's a whole hell of a lot more complicated than that now, Mom. April's pregnant…she didn't tell me for three weeks because she didn't want to feel like I would stay in the marriage for the baby."

Catherine's look softened as she watched her son.

"Now I don't know what to do because if I tell her I didn't sign the papers, she'll get mad or might not believe me because I know about the baby now," he explained, motioning with his hands to make his points.

Jackson, despite how angry he had become with April over abandoning him in their grief, never stopped loving her. He knew her better than anyone and knew how much she loved sappy romantic movies or fortune cookies because they were fun and silly to read out loud. During the winter, she loved to put their comforter in the dryer before bed because it made her feel comforted and safe. He knew that after sex, she liked to be held because she liked the intimacy of it. And he knew that her faith was one of the most important things to her, even if he didn't understand it all the time.

"Marriage is never easy, but if you still love April…you need to show her that you do. Prove to her that you're still the man that she fell in love with. Start small by just being there to support her through this pregnancy. Put aside your anger and hurt…I know that it's hard for you because there is a lot of hurt, but she's hurting too," his mother said. "You both need to talk through your grief at some point because you never did that. But start with the small things, baby boy, like just being there for her through this pregnancy because she's bound to be afraid and anxious."

Jackson nodded in understanding. "I'm hoping she'll speak to me…after the other night. I reacted poorly."

"Apologize. You would be surprised how far a genuine apology will go," his mother instructed. "And then I expect you both to tell me about my grandchild at some point in the near future. I'll pretend to be surprised."

Jackson never ceased to be amazed at his mother. She could turn a conversation on a dime without even trying. It was a natural talent he didn't have. But she was right, if he wanted to prove to April that he still loved her, he would have to start small and let her decide when and how she would let him in. And he knew that he wanted to mend those bridges because he still loved her, even if he was upset that she didn't tell them about their unborn child before the morning of the divorce papers being signed. However, he understood her reasoning and had come to respect it since she had been thinking of his wants. For that, he loved her as it reminded him of the woman that he had married. The selfless, compassionate, funny, and kind woman he loved. He just hoped she would still see him as the man she married in the end.


	6. Chapter 6

Nerves crept up on April as she stood in the bathroom. She knew that this morning was a pretty important day for her as she would be going in for another ultrasound to check on her developing baby. Now that she was sixteen weeks, she was in her second trimester and officially out of the most dangerous part of pregnancy; at least the part where she had the most risk of having a miscarriage anyway. Her obstetrician was keeping a strict eye on her during ultrasounds from here on out to look for signs or symptoms of Osteogenesis Imperfecta in this unborn child, though the chances of the baby developing it were less than two percent since neither she or Jackson were carriers of the disease. Even so, she was nervous about seeing her unborn baby on the screen with the knowledge that it could still happen.

The last month and a half had been…civil, more or less, with Jackson. After the initial shock of the pregnancy had worn off, something changed in him and he became more compassionate to her. He wanted her to get genetic testing to find out if the baby had the disease, but she'd blatantly refused that and he backed off after one argument. She told him that he didn't have a right to choose anything because he wasn't her husband, which ended that argument effectively. Since then, he hadn't brought it up and things had calmed down between the two of them. He had almost been…considerate of her feelings since then, which made her feel bad in a way since she hadn't been before to him, but at the same time…they weren't fighting and that was something she had wanted to stop.

"Okay…Mommy is nervous, so you have to cooperate today and let us see you on the ultrasound," she told her unborn baby as she ran her hand along the small bump forming under her shirt. "I love you, Little One."

Peanut had been Samuel's nickname. And she had said that each of her children would have something special for each of them. So this baby was Little One to her and she loved that. She had always wanted to be a mother and even though she had been one to Samuel, briefly, she knew that this was her second chance at having a child to hold in her arms.

After finishing her morning routine, she grabbed her one cup of coffee and headed in to work, only catching minor traffic on the way in. She had her doctor's appointment before, so she made her way up the stairs toward the obstetrician's office. Once she was checked in, she sat down and read through a magazine while she waited, looking over an article about baby wearing and the long-term benefits of having the baby close to their parents more often. She had planned to breastfeed as long as possible, but this was a new idea she was willing to try with the baby once he or she arrived.

"Hey…am I late?"

April was startled and looked up to see Jackson standing there, holding his own coffee cup. She had invited him to this, of course, since this was his child too, but she didn't know if he would really come since they were still on somewhat shaky ground with one another. Obviously, he cared enough to step up and be here, which made her heart flutter a little. Deep down, she knew that he would always be a good father, but so much had happened between them and she didn't know if he would want to interact with her much before the baby came.

"Oh no, I um…I just checked in and they haven't even taken me back to weigh and measure me," she replied, scooting over a seat for him.

Jackson sat down beside her and she noticed his coffee was in a cup from home and not a Starbucks cup. He still made his own coffee like she showed him. "How are you doing?"

"I'm alright, still a little nauseated by certain foods and smells, but otherwise doing okay," she said, closing the magazine before looking over at him.

"Bacon make you sick this time around?"

Smiling, she nodded. He remembered that bacon made her sick during her first trimester with Samuel. "Oh yeah, I haven't cooked any in weeks."

"Cravings hit yet?"

"Oh…already," she laughed. "I wanted cantaloupe so bad the other night, but it's not in season at all. The night before that, I wanted nothing but sweet pickles like my Grandma used to make back home in Ohio."

Cravings were no joke when you were pregnant and April knew that from experience with her first pregnancy. During her pregnancy with Samuel, she had craved a lot of peaches and fresh fruit. This time around, it differed depending on her mood from what she could tell so far. She had wanted sweet potatoes the other night for no reason at all and then salt and vinegar chips a few hours later. But she hadn't given in to too many that weren't reasonably healthy for her and the baby, so she was doing alright thus far with that.

When they were called back, April stood up and went into the exam room before sitting down on the table. Her belly measurement was taken and they also took her blood pressure and pulse. Everything was so routine and normal that she didn't even think about it as she just let them do what they needed to before laying back on the exam table so the ultrasound could be done. This was the part that made her nervous and without thinking about it, she reached for Jackson's hand as the wand was put to her belly. He didn't flinch away, which surprised her, but she didn't say a word as she looked on the screen and held her breath.

"And there is your baby," the doctor said, pointing out the profile of their unborn child's face.

"Oh…look at that!" she gasped, feeling the tears well up in her eyes as she looked at her child. The baby had his or her hand right by their face and looked to be sucking on their fingers, which was the most adorable thing she'd ever seen in her life.

"Looks like they have my nose," Jackson teased, smiling as he looked at the sonogram.

"Well Baby is doing very well from what I see," the doctor went on, moving the wand about to catch the fetal heartbeat and take a look at the baby's development.

"Are there…any signs of…" April couldn't even finish the sentence as she looked nervously to her doctor.

"From what I see, no, there are no signs of OI," the doctor replied confidently after taking a few measurements of the baby's bones and looking at the baby from a few different angles. "Bone development looks normal and within range for the fetal age. And there are no abnormalities on the ultrasound whatsoever."

Relief washed over April as she relaxed and looked back at the ultrasound screen, seeing her baby wiggling about inside of her. This baby had meaning and purpose in her life, even though he or she had come at a time when her life was falling apart elsewhere. Maybe they were meant to give April hope again after the darkest trial of her life. Or maybe to teach her patience and forgiveness in a time when she had made rash decisions and cost herself her marriage.

"Would you guys like to know the gender?"

For a moment, April wanted to say yes right away, but stopped herself and looked at Jackson to see what his choice was. This was his child too and she had been calling a lot of the shots because she was the one who was pregnant, but she wanted him to be involved too. When he nodded, April smiled and turned to their doctor before they were shown what their little one would be by the doctor. April could hardly believe it, but she was so happy and excited to meet her child in a few more months. The doctor wrapped up and told April that she would be seen back in about four weeks for a follow up and ultrasound before stepping out. April let go of Jackson's hand, biting her lip as she sat up and pulled her shirt down.

"That is…a relief," she finally said, looking at him. She wanted to hug him so badly, but refrained from doing so because she didn't want to overstep a boundary. Jackson was no longer hers to hold, so she had to get used to that.

"Kind of surreal…this is all really happening," he said, looking at her as he fiddled with his phone in his hands.

"I was thinking about…what comes after…and we should talk about all of that," she continued, knowing that if she dwelt on things too long, she would probably cry because of her hormones. "Could we get together, just the two of us, and talk?"

"Yeah, I think that would be good," he agreed.

April smiled and looked at the sonogram photos that were printed and given to her. She detached one and held it out to Jackson. "You should have one of these too…I'm adding mine to a baby book for the baby."

"Thanks," he said, sliding it into his lab coat pocket. "I'll have to get a frame for the office…I've got the other one on my desk right next to…"

"Next to Samuel's…" she finished, giving him a smile as they had said it together.

It hurt to know that they were still so in sync with one another in some ways, but out of it in others that mattered so much. When they married, she had been so happy that he stood up and said something because she was about to marry the wrong guy. Jackson had always been it for her, even before she realized it. Their foundation of friendship had really taken off after the shooting and she knew that sometimes falling in love with your best friend was the best and worst thing to happen to you. She had been so happy with him, despite their fights and bickering, because he knew her and respected her faith even if he didn't understand it all the time. And he loved her. God he had loved her and she missed that love so much.

"So…are we telling people what the baby is…keeping it a secret?" Jackson asked after a minute, resting his hands in his pockets.

"I was thinking…we could keep it a secret until the baby gets here," she replied, hoping he would agree. "Since this baby is so unexpected and…everything, it might be a nice surprise."

"I like that…my mom probably won't, but she'll deal with it," he agreed, smiling a little. "She might bug the crap out of you to get the answer, but don't give in."

April laughed. "If I can withstand my mother, I'm pretty sure your mom is gonna be a piece of cake."

"I dunno, you flustered a lot in the past when my mom got you cornered," he teased, nudging her a little.

"Oh that was…only a few times, but that was before I stood up for myself," she shot back with a smile.

Talking with him like this…it was so easy. No arguing and no bringing up the painful past that had ripped them apart. How she wished everything could be this easy between them, but realized that a lot of it was her abandonment of Jackson that made it so difficult. Both of them had faults in what happened, but she knew that ultimately it was a lack of communication between the two of them and not relying on one another in their time of crisis that had ended their marriage. She had accepted it and knew that she couldn't do anything else but be civil and cordial with Jackson in the hopes that they could co-parent this child.

"Well…I have a surgery scheduled this morning, so I'll be around if you need anything," he offered, giving her a genuine smile. The first one she'd seen in a while.

"Thanks…I'll text you and we can have dinner and talk sometime…about everything that's coming," she replied.

When they parted ways, April made her next appointment at the doctor's office before heading back to the lounge. The knowledge that her baby was okay really took a weight off her shoulders and she could breathe easier. But Jackson still weighed heavily on her heart. And she didn't know what would happen in the coming days, but she could only hope that maybe she was on the right path now to somehow earning his forgiveness.


	7. Chapter 7

The weeks started to roll by for April as she neared six months into her pregnancy. She was so happy and blossoming with this baby, who was her rainbow after the storm. After the devastating loss of her son, she had gone down a very dark path and hadn't known how to pull herself out of it or ask for help. The only thing she had known to do was run away and throw everything she had into something that was doing good, so she had run to Jordan. It had healed a part of her, but there had been another part that never healed because she hadn't healed with Jackson. Even though she had said, in one of their many arguments, that the thing she had needed wasn't him…that had been a lie. She had needed him. But didn't know then how to ask for the help she needed because she didn't know what she needed from him.

She had been twenty-four weeks when she delivered Samuel, so as she approached that milestone in this pregnancy, her anxiety crept up on her and caused her to have some small setbacks to the recovery she had fought so hard for. Nightmares that she had not had in a while started to recur and she woke up in the middle of the night, screaming for her son. That had prompted her to reach out to Jackson and ask him to stay with her for a couple of nights…something she had not done since she signed the papers for their divorce four months ago. But he didn't say no.

Initially, he had slept on the couch and she had stayed in her bed, but when she woke him in the middle of the night with a nightmare, he had moved to the bed with her. She knew that she shouldn't let him, but it was comforting to have him there. Even if they weren't married, he had been her best friend and her husband at one point, so she had missed his embrace and the comfort it brought. And when he held her, the nightmares stopped.

"Jackson, I'm making some dinner…are you hungry?" she called from the kitchen.

"Yeah, need any help?" he asked as he came in from the living room.

She smiled a little. "Only if you want to help, then I don't mind at all. I'm making grilled chicken and vegetables…maybe some mashed potatoes since baby wants them."

Her cravings had been mostly vegetables and some starches lately, but that wasn't so bad since they were good for the baby's growth and development. She also craved whipped cream with strawberries, but that was something else entirely.

"I can make the potatoes…you still like them with butter and a little sea salt?"

"You remembered…" she said, looking over at him with a smile.

Jackson smiled and went to get the potatoes that were already peeled and cut. He started a pot of boiling water before adding them in to cook. While he was doing that, April prepared the chicken to go into the oven and added the vegetables to the foil packets with the chicken so they would cook together. She had put in zucchini and squash as well as some onions and bell peppers for Jackson. Cooking in the kitchen with Jackson felt so natural to April and she forgot momentarily that they were divorced as she hummed softly and swayed to the music from her phone. The baby was kicking rhythmically with the music, making her smile.

The first kicks she felt with this baby were around eighteen weeks, which scared the living hell out of her because Samuel…he hadn't kicked. Not like that. And she began to panic that something was wrong with her unborn child until Arizona was able to calm her fears with an ultrasound that confirmed her baby was healthy and normal. Now she welcomed that feeling with joy and loved Jackson's reactions to their baby kicking and rolling around in her belly.

Dinner took another forty minutes to finish, but when they were done cooking, she and Jackson sat down to a meal together. This had become almost a nightly routine for them in the last few days since Jackson had come to stay with her. And she had missed it.

"How was your day?" she asked, genuinely curious.

"Pretty good, but we did have a rough day on the burn unit," Jackson explained. "We had a patient come in with severe acid burns...a high school chemistry accident."

"I remember that case from the emergency room," she replied, knowing that it had been awful. She had to excuse herself because of the smell alone, running to the bathroom to throw up for the first time since the end of her first trimester.

"Poor kid…there's going to be some scarring, but I'm hoping to do skin grafts to help with that and prevent further damage," he added.

"You're really good at those though…you do amazing work with grafts and repair," she said, smiling at him.

Jackson was an amazing doctor and she admired the skill that he had. He had calm and steady hands in the operating room, just as he had calm and steady hands with her. When they were just friends, he was the one who calmed her and was able to remind her that she was a good person. And the night she gave him her virginity, he was gentle and always made sure she was comfortable with what they were doing. There was no one else in the world that April had felt safer with than Jackson, even if they were now divorced and trying to remain as civil as possible.

Later that night, April was in the bathroom brushing her teeth for bed. Jackson was already in the room, laying down in bed reading some article he had brought up about new techniques for grafting skin. She rinsed out her mouth and put away her toothbrush before coming in and settling in on her side of the bed. The baby began to wiggle around and kick, making her smile.

"The baby is kicking really hard tonight," she mentioned, glancing at him.

He looked up from his article and she took his hand, placing it on her belly where their little one was squirming around. His face lit up and she couldn't help but smile. As hard as this divorce had been on her, her heart melted every time she saw him react to their unborn baby.

"Whoa…those are some pretty strong kicks there," he grinned. "Think we have a future athlete in there?"

"I don't know…or someone who really likes to dance and move their feet," she joked, biting her lip as she smiled. "Sometimes I feel so…guilty for being this happy. We never had this with Samuel. He never…"

"Samuel wouldn't want us to remember him with unhappiness…he was our son and while he was here, we loved him and he knew we loved him."

"We did love him and wanted him," she softly added.

"No matter what happens, he was our firstborn and our son, so we won't forget him. And this new baby will know about him, I promise," he vowed.

April nodded and wiped a stray tear. Samuel hadn't moved like this when she was pregnant with him because of his fragile bones. Even the smallest move could have broken a bone, so he stayed mostly still and only fluttered once in a while before he was born. But this baby was so active and moved around constantly, reminding April that she had been given a miracle. Her faith had been so shaken with her son's death that she forgot that miracles and life did happen. And this baby was a miracle in a lot of ways because it came at the exact moment April thought her life was falling apart completely. God had provided a way for her to travel through the grief of losing her marriage by giving her life. And that was a sign that things were going to be okay.

"I never apologized…for my actions," she said after a few moments of silence between them. "After Samuel, I just lost it. I couldn't figure out how to cope with losing him and in the process of all of that, I shut out the one person I should have turned to. Going to Jordan saved me…but it cost me you and our marriage in the process because I didn't take into account what you needed to grieve our son."

"April…" His voice was calm and steady, just as it always was when he was trying to protect her.

She shook her head and looked at him. "I should have stayed…after the first tour. I should have been here and worked through our grief together with you. But I ran away because the first tour had given me so much purpose that coming back here was like ripping open the wounds again. I hid behind that purpose instead of facing my grief."

"We both had problems grieving. I shut my grief out and didn't show you that because I thought I was protecting you. And I was wrong for even suggesting we have another child so soon after losing Samuel."

April nodded and looked at her hands. "My heart was so broken."

"All of the fights…I didn't like the person I was becoming. I didn't like the way I was treating you because that wasn't me. That wasn't the man who eloped with you after stealing you away from a wedding. He was your best friend. You were my best friend, April…my favorite person in the world," he said, touching her hand.

"And you were mine…" she whispered. Her eyes filled with tears and she couldn't honestly say if they were more from her pregnancy hormones or the conversation.

Jackson really was her best friend and had been for some time now. She remembered meeting him on their first day at Mercy West and how, after the shooting deaths of Reed and Percy, he became the only friend she had left at Seattle Grace Mercy West. He defended her when people made fun of her and had even punched Alex in her defense. And from that friendship grew an understanding and mutual respect of one another. He boosted her confidence when she needed it and she saw the side of him that others didn't really see. That all lead to that night in San Francisco where she gave him her virginity and she had absolutely no regrets about it now, even though she had initially freaked out about it.

Even though they bickered and didn't always agree on everything, they had always come to a mutual understanding of one another and respected each other. Jackson had even considered going to church services once Samuel was born just to be with his family, even though he didn't believe in God the way that April did. And for him, that was a huge step, so April was thankful for that. Even now, he was compromising on a lot of things and they had tentatively talked about him moving in when the baby came so they could co-parent instead of moving a baby from home to home every weekend or week. It would also give her the opportunity to breastfeed, as she'd wanted to do since she got pregnant with Samuel. Jackson had known that and brought it up when they had talked about how to co-parent this baby.

"April, there is something I have to tell you," he said.

She looked at him, scared for what he would say next. That sentence had never gone over well for them because it usually was followed with some piece of information that was life-changing or upsetting. But she had learned that they had to be open and honest with one another in order for this co-parenting to work for them and for their child.

"Okay…" she replied nervously.

"The day that we signed the divorce papers…I didn't do it," he blurted out. "I couldn't sign the papers."

April felt herself suck in a breath.


	8. Chapter 8

There was a moment of pure shock as April felt herself suck in a breath as Jackson confessed the secret he'd been holding from her for months now. The whole world slowed to a blur. She had believed all this time that he had signed those papers and ended their marriage the same morning she had signed the papers. He was the one that had driven so hard for the divorce when she had been fighting like hell to save their marriage and he didn't sign the damn papers? It was like the world had gone inverted and she suddenly didn't know where her footing was.

"Wh-what?" she choked out when she was finally able to find words, looking to him for an explanation.

"The morning we signed the papers, I looked at you when you asked me if it was what I wanted and I realized…it wasn't what I wanted," he explained.

"How could you…how could you let me believe all this time that we were divorced and not tell me the truth?!" she asked, finally coming down to her senses. "You lead me on for…four months, Jackson!"

"I didn't know how to tell you or how…how to fix us!" he defended. "Or if we even could."

April got up from the bed, angry and betrayed. "You lied to me."

"April, it wasn't like that I swear," he quickly replied. "I just…I wanted to find a way to make things right again…to be us again."

"I…I opened up to you and told you how I felt about everything," she said, looking at him. "How sorry I was for what happened after Samuel died and that I was wrong to run away…but you lied to me about this. You _knew_ how important our marriage was to me…how hard I fought for us."

April had done everything imaginable to save their marriage, including going to counseling and trying everything she could think of to make Jackson see how committed she was to saving them. In the end, they always came down to the same fight, but here they were…making progress as a non-married couple, or so she thought, and he came out of nowhere to throw out everything she thought she knew about their situation. It was not what she was prepared for in the least and April Kepner was not someone that liked to be caught off-guard in her personal life at all. In the trauma center, she was calm and collected in high stress moments, but in real life…it was like she had been thrown out to the sharks and was drowning.

"April, I didn't know how to tell you…you bolted and ran to Moline before I could even have the chance to talk to you afterward," he calmly replied, getting up from the bed to come around to her. "When you came back, I didn't know how to approach you and when we finally did talk, you told me you were pregnant and that changed…a lot of things."

"And now?" she asked, looking at him.

She wanted an honest answer from Jackson. For the first time in a long time, she was looking at him and hoping he would finally open up to her about things. It had taken a lot of fights and misunderstandings to get to the point where he told her how he felt about Samuel's death and she was hoping that all of that work wasn't gone out the window. Even though she was upset that he had kept this a secret from her for four months, it didn't change that her heart was telling her that she still loved him.

"My wants didn't change…I don't want to be divorced, but if you want that April…"

"No," she blurted out before even thinking twice. "I never wanted that, Jackson…not once."

Jackson looked at her and approached her cautiously. She didn't flinch away or move as he touched her cheek. When she looked up, she looked into the eyes of the man who loved her and promised her on their wedding day that he would love and protect her. It had been so long since she had seen that man. He had been hidden behind pain, grief, anger, and frustration for so long that she'd forgotten what it was like to really see Jackson for the man she knew him as. Her best friend.

"Everything is just…so emotionally confusing right now," she said after a moment. "Can we…take things slow, like we have been?"

"I wouldn't expect you to jump right back in," he replied, touching her cheek. "And I don't expect you to forgive me for keeping that a secret for so long either."

"I do forgive you. I understand that you were just as confused as I was and that things got out of hand when we should have communicated with each other instead of hiding our pain from one another."

Time had made April wiser and less rash in her decisions, as had this pregnancy. Her experiences in grief had taught her that she couldn't tackle the world on her own, even though she felt like it sometimes. Deep down, a piece of her had needed Jackson and she had denied that, causing them to break down in turmoil with one another and ultimately reach a boiling point where neither of them could survive the hot water they were dumped into when their son's diagnosis became fatal.

"Do you want me to keep staying here?"

April nodded. "Yes, I want you to be involved in this pregnancy…you and I are having this baby together and you are the baby's father. I don't want to do this alone."

Nodding, he kissed her forehead once. "Then I'm here and I'm not going anywhere."

"Good. And Jackson?"

"Yeah?"

"Don't ever lie to me again," she warned, looking up at him.

"I won't," he promised.

* * *

Things were shaky and awkward over the next few days, but April soon found a rhythm again with the life that she and Jackson were living. Her engagement ring and wedding band were still in the jewelry box on her dresser as she wasn't ready to put those back on and be married to Jackson yet, but she had noticed that he had slipped his ring back on without saying a word to her about it. April still felt divorced, though, and didn't know when that feeling would reconcile itself or if she would just have to gradually ease into being a wife again, should this work out with Jackson.

"So…Avery is wearing his ring again, where's yours Kepner?" Alex asked, putting down his chart in front of April as she was working.

"Jackson is…free to do as he likes with his jewelry," she replied, looking up at Alex skeptically.

They hadn't told anyone that they were still married. At least April hadn't, so she didn't know what Alex knew or if Jackson had told him anything. They hadn't explicitly talked about what they were telling people either, which probably was a conversation they needed to have now that someone had noticed.

"Oh come on, dude's been pining over you for four months…couldn't even sign the damn papers," Karev chided.

"How did you know that?" She glared at her co-worker.

"I knew that the second he couldn't keep his eyes off you when you started showing with Jr. there."

"Does Jo really like all that…smart ass you have in there?" she asked, changing the topic quickly.

"Yeah, just like Avery likes all the annoying stuff you do," he shot back, giving her a smile.

Some things never changed, but she had come to think of Alex's behavior as somewhat endearing since he did care. Over the years, she had seen him grow and knew that deep down, under the narcissistic act he put on, Alex was a decent human being that genuinely was good. He covered that with his snide comments and his flippant behavior, but she knew that he was a different person underneath that. And she had come to care about him over the years, even though he often times rebuffed her when she tried to be compassionate in his times of frustration and need.

"So…you knew that Jackson didn't sign the papers?" she asked, shutting the chart that she had been working on.

"Yeah, it was kinda obvious when he kept asking Robbins about you every five minutes when you were back on the farm," Karev replied.

"I…I had no idea." April was shocked, but not surprised given the recent turn of events. Jackson was her best friend and had always cared about her. But she never knew the extent of all of that until he told her how much he had been looking out for her since Samuel died.

"Look, I know you and Avery have gone through hell and have your issues or whatever, but he's a good guy."

April smiled. "You don't have to tell me…I already know."

"So...everything okay with Jr. there?"

"Oh…we're doing great," she replied, smiling and rubbing her belly. "Arizona said that the baby is growing just fine and that we are about to reach the point where they will gain about a half a pound a week until birth."

"Well, you know that you've got the best team on stand-by if you ever need anything," he reminded her. "Jr. will be taken care of no matter what."

"Thank you, Alex…you don't know how much that means to me and to Jackson," she said, smiling.

Alex left to go about his work while April finished up some charting that she had been doing from patients that had come in the emergency room this morning. She wrote up the surgical rotation schedule for the residents according to their assigned attending and divvied up the new interns to the residents to teach before going to the skills lab. One thing April never stopped doing was learning new skills and refreshing the ones she had already learned. It was her job as a surgeon and a doctor to keep her mind sharp for her patients so that nothing happened while they were in her care. While she was in the lab, she was focused and intense so she didn't notice the door opening.

"Hello sweetheart," a familiar voice called from the doorway.

"Catherine!" April gasped, moving back from the table before taking off her gloves.

"How is my favorite daughter-in-law?" she asked, hugging April as she came over.

"Very pregnant and craving potato chips like crazy these days," she laughed, hugging her back. "I know that is all Jackson's genes there since he eats them like crazy when he watches basketball."

The older woman laughed and nodded in agreement. "That is definitely my son. He used to go through so much food when he was a teenager, I swore I had three sons instead of one."

"He still eats like a horse." April smiled and sat down on one of the stools. "What brings you all the way to Seattle? I thought you were in Boston this month."

"Oh I came home early…the conference I thought I was going to have to attend was cancelled, so I caught a flight home and thought I would stop in to see you and my future grandbaby."

"Baby is very active today," she said, taking Catherine's hand and placing it on her belly where her unborn baby was moving around.

"Oh that is a wonderful feeling!"

"Jackson had the baby riled up this morning when we were getting ready for work…he was talking basketball and the baby was going nuts." April laughed and looked at her belly proudly, so thankful she could feel this little one moving around.

"How are things with you and Jackson?"

She figured that would come up since Catherine had always taken an interest in their relationship and marriage, especially when she thought April had married Jackson for his money. Now she knew otherwise and knew how deeply April loved Jackson.

"We're…working on things," she replied honestly. "It's just complicated."

"But you and Jackson are working things out?"

"I love him…still love him, deeply. But I just can't go back to the way things were before," she clarified. "We are working on things, but it's going to take time before I feel like we are married or say that I'm married."

"And that is perfectly fine. No one expects you to just bounce back like things are normal," Catherine told her.

"You know, since he came clean and told me that we were still married, he's been attentive and trying to make up for lost time," she said. "I know that he's trying so hard."

"He knows that he has a long way to go to win you back, but he is a dedicated man that is pursuing the woman he loves. I have never seen him this way about anyone else he's ever been with."

That comment made April stop and think for a moment because she had never been anyone's first choice. She had never been the one for anyone until she and Jackson just decided to sleep together in California and then think about what happened afterward. Now she was married, or sort of married, and loved him with all of her heart. But her heart was still wounded from signing the divorce papers and she had to let it heal with time.

"I remember the first time he felt the baby kick…he lit up so much and it was like a little kid at Christmas," April smiled. "I do love Jackson. And I want us to be a family, but my heart was so broken when he asked me to divorce him, so I just need time to heal."

"And no one will blame you for that, sweetheart. Take that time and let him woo you again to remind you of the man you fell in love with," Catherine encouraged.

"I'm really glad that you understand. I know how protective you are of Jackson and as a mother, I am the same way about my children."

"You are my daughter too, baby, so I feel just as protective of you. And if you ever need anything, Richard and I are only a phone call away."

April hugged her mother-in-law and smiled, knowing that though this was a long road, she wasn't walking it alone. She had support and Jackson was trying in earnest to be the man that she knew that he could be. For now, that was all she could ask for.


End file.
